The Llama Scribe

May 20, 2008

Finally

Filed under: Uncategorized — antoinette jeanine @ 3:31 am

I did much better this semester than I was expecting.

I had anticipated the phone calls with my parents (maybe I would tell my mother in person, maybe I would wait until she had bolstered herself with joy or substance): “I won’t be receiving scholarships next year, I’m on probation, I’m going to need to go deeply into debt to finish this silly experiment, this flirtation with higher education which will probably never pay off in any substantial way, material or otherwise.”  Their disappointment was palpable; I had been feeling it all semester and it had been feeding into my actions and preemptive depression, the anticipation was that real.

But I did well.  Not great, but well enough to feel as though my continued existence is somehow justified, that I don’t need to be ashamed of myself for living happily.  I’ve seen too many students pay the penalty for happiness.  One didn’t last a semester, one lasted three years but still won’t be seeing the end of an undergraduate degree, at least not from this place.  That’s what happens, you see, when you forget that these are the years of punishment.  You thought they would be over when you graduated high school and got the hell out of that place, but they were just starting.  I did well because I stayed up and watched the dawn too many times to count, these last five months, and I read Dracula, all of it, in one 8-hour painfully prolonged orgasm.  Had I not done this, I would be calling my parents.  “You were right, I had to suffer in my youth.  I forgot that I had to suffer as you did.  You suffered, didn’t you?  Was it like this?  Was it worse?  Is there more in store?  Will it worsen after college?  What if I procreate?  It’s going to get worse, isn’t it?  Please lie to me.”

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